Going to Australia in October 2010 was to me, an opportunity to figure out who I am without anything holding me down. I was traveling alone, but I had my best friend living and studying there. A lot of my high school friends were everywhere in Australia. I had a huge disagreement with my best friend before going there. When we met, she tried to disrupt my self esteem, because she was dramatic over her relationship with her boyfriend. I decided to leave and abandon her extremely abusive gesture and went on in my trip around Australia. I lost a best friend, and made a new one. And she was a royalty. We partied, we hung out, we shopped and just had a lot of fun. We even have birthdays close to each other within days!
My soul searching came to a good discovery when I met my friends in Melbourne and we all decided to go see a palm reader or a tarot card reader. I searched for one in the city and book an appointment. I was told that I am an Empath and that I should pick up tarot reading again. I use to do it when I was a teenager. I stopped abruptly after I was suicidal. I got a pack of cards and start doing readings from Melbourne to Sydney.
Little did I know, I was still secretly manipulated to prioritize my ex-defacto partner who was still in the picture but behind the scene. I was still oblivious that he was still in my life. It felt like a thriller movie. In fact, people mostly don’t realise how much affect and impact their past has on them to manipulate their willpower to do thing they don’t realise or understand. It did not come to my awareness that I didn’t have to meet him. But I made that plan to go to New Zealand from Australia. I was so confused.
In the new year of 2011, I was in Auckland living with him in his grandmothers home. We were together in new years eve and I was so confused. We were not in a relationship but why do I still give him the power to have my presence? I felt broken and hypnotized by another man’s desire to have me and possess me. We acted like we are together, but I know we are not, but I wasn’t aware of my behaviour and intentions. My mind was mine, but my heart, body was not. I was clueless.
I think any woman who has been abused by a man in her upbringing will have this fragile identity that is lost in translation of manipulated willpower. Until she become aware of her distaste and inner rejection of the situation that degrades her willpower and dignity, she will not be able to break away from this intrinsic desire a man has over her that can quickly hypnotize her into a state of submission.
My journey to self discovery and self love has been a dangerous gate to discovering oppressive identities in a woman psyche. There is a lot of normal accepted treatments to woman, that shouldn’t be normal. The only reason it is swiped under the carpet is because you cant sense it in the radar. Everything is so clandestine. Manipulation is secretly a clandestine trait. It comes from a false intention appearing real and honest.
A desire mimicking your voice but wearing the mask of a dangerous man. Your intentions was manipulated, gas-lighted and hypnotized and replaced with another man’s desire. When you are not in control of your intention, another person can mimic your identity and replaces it with their desires and you start to morph into an identity matching the desire coming from the clandestine and violent source of energy and human.
After my journey in Australia and New Zealand, I become more spiritual in my undertaking of understanding about Empaths, Sensitivity and Metaphysics. I was getting a stronger hold and control over my intentions and other people’s desires. Until I was uniquely sabotaged.
I came back to Malaysia with a piece of a new soul. Understanding about Empaths, Energy and Metaphysical. This area of life piqued my interest so much that I quit and drop out of fashion college and begin to fully focus on this path. At the same time I still have my markets and products to sell. I began to expand my skincare line at the same time learning about Aura, Chakra, Mediumship, Angels, Channeling, Light Language, Automatic Writing, Starseed. It was a whole new world for me. It was home. It was a reality that accepted my true self. It was where I am most comfortable to be myself. This was my gig. This was my calling. My abilities skyrocket in a year. I was developing so much potential I was unstoppable. I plan my next trip to backpack in europe. Using Law of Attraction, I command every existence in the universe to support my desire, and it came true.
I sold my healing session, tarot readings, and aura chakra programmed healing bracelet to fund my trip. I celebrated my 24th birthday in Paris and it felt like a second home. I went to a Doreen Virtue seminar on Angels. I visit a place I have vivid past life in Interlaken, Switzerland. I had so much joy, excitement, and adventure. Until one night. A memory very old, came to me in the form of someone familiar. Another man I use to know who lived in Netherlands was my supposedly first love. Life sometimes does a very wicked turn. You can see that it is always unexpected and a surprise. I didn’t go to Europe to meet a man. I went there to travel and discover. What I have discovered was how easily I give my heart to another man’s desire and abandon my priorities and goals.
I abandon my trip to Greece in a emotional hostage of another man’s violent desire to feed off my spirit and loving nature. By staying in Holland for 2 weeks instead of completing my Europe trip the way I planned it. Again, I left Europe trip feeling confused about myself and my relationship with men. But I did felt incredible that I traveled, met a lot of nice souls, give healings and readings and made chakra bracelets for my new friends. In a way, I found another part of myself that build my confidence to keep my journey into spirituality and healing as a focus in my life. I came back to Malaysia and I made another plan to increase my Independence. I wanted to build a company. I got physically fit and healthier. I was offered an opportunity to open a Christmas popup shop in the Mall in town. I was successful. It was a great hit. I was in the spotlight. I had many friends, fashion designer, celebrities loving it.
Here is where the unique sabotage happens. I had a friend recommended by my mother. She started to take a lot of my time in promise she would help my business. Her violent desire trapped me into a form of guilt and sympathy to help her build her life up. I thought her everything I knew. She didn’t honor her promises, so I was not a person who will throw a tantrum and force someone to commit to their promise, so I left her. She try to bait me back into trusting her by finally pulling through with her promises to help my business. But it was all short lived. At the same time, I funneled a lot of energy and time to build my spiritual practice. I was healing people with traumatic situations with sex abuse, childhood trauma and doing healings with chakras and auras. I was giving mediumship readings and helping people heal with crystals.
I build my YouTube channel and start speaking about spirituality and healing. I had international clients, a lawyer, an actress, and many range of wonderful people benefiting from my healings. Little did I know, my Identity slowly was getting corrupted by the insidious association I had with the female friend. As I trust her to be around me during meditation, spiritual healing and client conversation. She imitated, she copied and she ripped my identity off. Everything I was good at, and use to be good at, was slowly chipped away by a silent degradation, a quiet humiliation and shame coming as secret dialogues the friend has around me. A form of gas-lighting occurred. My reality was slowly shriveled and distorted and I was being installed with weakness and negative personality and behaviour by my association to this friend. Piles of sabotaging qualities now riding my unique vision, unique personality and unique traits.
Either men or women, each of them are capable of hiding a violent desire to abuse, possess and extort your valuable identities, personalities and capabilities. I was in another ride of my life. Tapping into the spiritual gem of discovering and exposing spiritual abuse through social antiquities.