The Divine Identity I Have Always Dreamed Of


One night over a hill between the suburbs in Wellington, I had to find the truth that will set me on another course of life and journey. I had to ensure my dignity was in tact while I kept a relationship with my ex defacto partner. We already moved out from living with each other, but we were within walking distance. That night, something tripped in my soul and I refuse to be trauma-bonded with the man I thought loved me. I knew I was in a desperate situation and I had to choose between staying in New Zealand or leaving back to Malaysia. I erase my vulnerable emotions and I decided to go back home. I called my parents and they came and I gave my 1 week notice to my employer. I have a tantrum that is very authoritative. If I really wanted something and put my mind on it, nothing gets in my way.

Because I was so brainwashed by my ability to eternally forgive and forget, I gave the same benefit to my ex defacto partner. I tried to assimilate him into the story I gave to my parents. My parents had arrived in town with my sister. I told them I was living with a man. They were livid but they try not to show it. They wanted me to marry him and bring him to Malaysia. By now you probably think I am extremely psychotic, I couldn’t agree less. I was testing the waters to see if they would marry me to a violent and dangerous man. I told them what happened. That he strangled me. Somehow that is expected and accepted. They came from a violent background where abuse is normal. To me, in my perfect picture of a good life, its not tolerable. They lost the test and he couldn’t come with me anyway. He was criminally persecuted for domestic violence. He was not allowed to leave the country.

I went back to Malaysia during spring 2009. I was struggling with my self worth. I was confused and dazed. My room was renovated, I painted it a color between lilac, pastel pink and lavender. I brought back my vintage industrial sewing machine. I started sewing on the side. I push myself to enroll to a fashion college in the city. The Identity I carried start breaking pieces after pieces. I was living with a lot of sabotagive patterns in my personality. I had this huge hole in my identity. Self Love was crumbling with Distortions of Who I want to be. I gained weight, I got depressed and I was lost.

I turn my depression into creative arts and crafting. I became a herbalist by accident. My desire to make a perfume balm turned into a lip balm. Then a whole new lipbalm line was formed. On the side of studying fashion, I joined markets and bazaars selling my crafts. Before I even get there, during my depressive episodes before I joined the fashion college in 2009. My depression took a toll when my brother physically assaulted me. Due to my experience in New Zealand with assault. I knew I had right to inform the police of this threat. I learn to stand up for myself by doing what is right. My family attempt to gaslight the police officers and paint me as disrespectful and deserving of abuse. But the inspectors and sergeants who came to the house knew I ran away a few year prior. My image was swiped clean with the knowledge that anybody can connect the dots that the house is a violent home for me. My family decided to give up attacking me and let me to my passion. They literally left me and stop putting me down. I was able to craft my passion and power to be who I want to be. I run an online business, I was a fashion student, and I had good friends to be with. And then, after awhile, my soul still felt empty. I thought fashion was what I wanted to do. I thought I had almost everything I wanted. I realise that I needed to do some soul searching. So I informed my college I am taking a few months off and I will be traveling to Australia.

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