The Deep Mess of My Beautiful Self Evolution


I find myself in Wellington, New Zealand with a man, currently a person legally called as a De-facto partner who I have met prior to moving into a serious relationship with. We have odd fights and disagreements. We have just moved into a studio apartment in Lyall Bay. Struggling with finding a job, being offered a job that doesn’t match my Visa. I was overqualified. I needed temporary work. I find myself dozing in front of the TV and waking up the voice of Oprah and she was holding a book called “The Secret”. Oprah was sitting with Rhonda Byrne and they were talking about that book. Call it Divine Synchronicity or plain coincidence, I was not only tempted to buy it, but was called towards it. The next day, I got the book. I think by this time, I have informed my family I was in New Zealand. They sent me a care package. Containing of phone and sim-card {and a bunch of money} so they could keep in touch with me. I am pretty sure my mother was furious and livid. They thought I was in London. I got my partner’s brother to re-send my letter to them from England. That is how crafty I am. My best friend came over for a visit with her father. She was telling me how my mother keep pressuring her to tell me where I went. She helped me with the ordeal of running away. I was of age to leave as an adult.

I finally got a job, and maintained a good income flow and start to learn to sew in a tuition in the next neighborhood. The sewing teacher funnily told me this. She said “How long are you going to be under your Father’s thumb?” I couldn’t quite get it at that point. But I think she means I was very oppressed by my father. She became somewhat of a surrogate mother figure to me. I practiced the “Law of Attraction” and read the secret book. As I was uplevelling in my self worth, beliefs and trying to start a new life with my partner. The rhythm of our life does not match. I had a lot of confidence and faith. I didn’t realise that I attracted a man who carries similar fears, traits and personality as my father. We start to argue a lot more and one day it got very serious.

Before I get to the point of how serious it got. I will tell you that with “Law of Attraction” it has brought me a new house, a new job and perhaps I should have learn to attract a new man. I applied for a retail sales job and the term “superstar” put me off, because despite me being confident and capable in making sales, I never really think about being in the center of the spotlight. Funny, the company is called Spotlight. It was a international giant shop for fashion, home and beddings. The Law of Attraction taught me to take the plunge and say “Yes” to life, and worry about self worth or deservingness later. I took a power nap and when I woke up I had the confidence to send in my resume. I did had all the essential background and my CV pointed out my history of being a salesperson back where I was from. I was working in a Luxury Window Deco Boutique that paid me very well, which allowed me to save a lot of money to move to New Zealand. I was also offered a Manager position in a retail-shop that I work prior but it didn’t match my classy vibes, so I turned it down until I was able to find a job I favor more. This was it, this job, this superstar job was my second home for the next 8 months. I’ve made a handful of good friends and colleagues. By the way, you must already know, I got the job! My Law of Attraction works!

So back to the argument. It got wild and I almost got suffocated to death. I was strangled and he had never beaten me before. But he had always disrespected my desire to be alone and cry. He would always break the door open to keep an eye on me when I am sad. As if he was my handler, controlling my every move and freedom. I didn’t know he was an oppressive person like my father. Until I realise that I ran away from one oppresive adult to another oppressive adult. The police got involved and he was given a restraining order. I was so brainwashed that I completely forgive him. It never occurred to me that its a unforgivable behaviour. Now can you see the background of my childhood. We bond through violence. We don’t reject violence, we sink deep inside the eye of violence and love it. This was a brainwashing factor in my childhood personality. When provoked, be a sweetheart and talk really nice and be a people pleaser beyond every reason to fight. I tapped into a behemoth of a dark personality trapping me in a sex kitten identity.

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