Surprises & Indoctrinated Substitutions of Self Love


My journey to self love was bribed as a working teenager. Knowing full well that I despise my parents, especially my mother. My parents tried to bribe me with my dream vacation. I had always wanted to go to London and have been speaking about international education since I was 16. I had received many prospectus from international colleges around Europe and  I avidly speak about it to them to let me go.
In the effort of gaining my trust, my mother had allowed me to plan a trip to London and Paris and I was on it. It was an opportunity I wouldn’t want to miss even if my mother might lie or change plans. Suddenly, my father wanted to tag along. And the 2 weeks trips became 5 days. The 5 days trip became an onslaught of negative experiences piling over my hopes, crushing my dreams and turning the trip into a nightmare. The trip didn’t end well. Very much so I drag my feet in thinking I would ever get my dreams come true.

I came back home, went back to my job and didn’t say a word of how disappointed I was. The rule was never complain, only other family members were allowed to complain and only their hearts matter. My father flew to China straight away after the trip he crashed in London. Party pooper. Dream killer. We were in front of Central St. Martins my dream college in Charing Cross, he wanted to go inside. I will not let him do it. I refuse to go inside, I knew he was going to dangle my dream and then step all over it. There was a lot of small arguments in London, of who wants to go where and what we should do. The only thing I got that was a treasure for me was a Salvador Dali 2007 Diary.

I was able to persuade my Father to let me study in a Arts College locally in the country, where I would stay in a campus. Great! Got In! After 6 months, a lot of happy memories with my college buddies and getting good vibes and excelling in my Foundation in Arts studies. My mother came to a conclusion that the campus has too many sexy and slutty teenagers that she refuses me to continue my studies. I disregard her. I was suppose to live in a new house with my friends and had to gave away my room to another member of the group. My happiness was sabotaged. At the last minute, persistence and persistence, I was able to go back to college. They couldn’t stop me. I got the cheque for another semester tuition. I got back to the campus dorms. But all my friends were gone.
The middle of the night, I called my mother and I said fine, I will go back home. That feeling. Was hideous. I was trapped in a emotion. She was satisfied. I wasn’t. I couldn’t control my willpower, it was manipulated and I caved in. I met two awesome people who could have changed my mind. Happiness is not a right I have access to as her daughter. Happiness is a dangerous feeling she refuse to allow me to have.

Whilst my self journey to Self Love, Independence was sabotaged, by leaving college. I return to the workforce and kept my head high and refuse to let crappy feelings get to me. After many months, I was told by my father that I should continue my education. So I picked another local college. Got in, and planned my pursuit to continue next semester in a London education. I was accepted into London College of Fashion. I was determined to go. My mother was suspicious and insidiously controlling behind the scene. She try to project negativity without showing it and by being a concerned parent, a trait that she never excelled in around me. But I was fooled. The education to London crashed. My father refuse to pay the fees. I find myself working again and finding another way to set myself free. What I did swear to myself, was to leave the country by 2007. I found myself in an online relationship. Met a man. Then I planned everything and left the country. I was 19 and I obeyed my willpower to set myself free. I didn’t get to go to London, but I went to New Zealand on a Holiday Working Visa. This was my second journey to Self Love, Independence and Liberation.

I made a day trip to Singapore and the New Zealand Embassy there. I took a 5 hour bus with my passport. Got the Visa, Got my Airplane ticket, Showed proof of sufficient funds to Travel and took a return bus to Malaysia in the same day. I was a pro at handling time, managing plans and I did it all with my 2007 Salvador Dali diary planner. The New Zealand embassy told me that I can go anytime I  like now. It changed my plans. I gave my two weeks notice and expedite my leave to New Zealand 1 week before Christmas of 2007. On the day that I was about to leave, my mother smelled something funny and change the locks. I brave myself and ask her why and told her I am late to work. She opened the keys and I kiss her hand goodbye as a cultural form of respect. That was the last I saw of her. I was off on my getaway to NZ to rescue myself from the toxic home.

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