What is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) for Malaysians Awareness

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Hi dear beloveds and Malaysians,

I am a Universal Healer, Life Coach and a Peace Visionary. I would like to share with you what is PTSD.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a condition that happened to somebody who has endured extreme stress, extreme traumatic experience after a certain event, situation or experience in their life. This can be from being abused as a child, sexually assaulted, physically harmed, threatened in a domestic violence, assaulted or intimidated by peers, colleagues, friends or strangers that may harmed your psychological health, personal self-worth and self-esteem and confidence and sense of pride and dignity. Besides that, post traumatic stress disorder can be found in army, soldier, veterans who were at war and came back shell shocked. Shell shocked meaning they have the inability to feel themselves anymore. Nor are they able to feel feelings or personal thoughts and personal emotions as well as personal desires. The traumatic effects the person’s ability and identity of self.

In order to help you understand more about PTSD, I would like to share with you a story about my life. I was abused as a child, sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

As a child I was sexually abused as a toddler by a ex-paternal father figure and ex-elder sibling.
As a child I was also abused physically by an ex-parental father figure, elder brother, and ex-maternal figure mother.
As a child I was emotionally and verbally abused by ex-maternal mother figure, two elder sibling, ex-sister and ex-brother.
As a child I was spiritually abused by using religion to make me obey egoistical command by my ex-paternal parents.
As a child I was mentally abused by my ex-family members blaming me for every emotions they feel as a fault of mine, hence people pleasing is a bad attribute that was instill hardcore into me to create self-sacrificial personality as a method to bring peace in the surrounding and making me lose my self-worth, personal happiness and become a slave to the surroundings abuse and demands.

With all this abuse, comes conditionings and character building. As an adult with an engrained abused character, when confronted with abuse from peers, society, friends and authorities, it was hard to defend personal rights, dignity and values. Simply put, it was hard to protect myself around abusive people who are seeking to manipulate me sexually, materialistically, emotionally and skills. It was hard to look at them in the eye and say no, when we were programmed to cower in fear, and release our personal power to the abuser. If you are an adult and you had a history of child abuse, and meeting many people who takes advantage of you and having narcissists or office bully in your surroundings at work, there is a way to heal your soul and create peace in your heart and peace in your surrounding. It is about making the right choices by changing how we perceive our past experiences.

With these abuses I had endured as a child, there were many triggers that made me blackout, panic, having high anxiety attack, feeling of lack of self-esteem and self-worth. I was scared of men throughout all my life, feeling afraid to touch or be touched by male family members throughout childhood to teenage years, I was attracting sexual attention almost everywhere I go and I was body-shamed by my ex-maternal mother figure all my childhood and teenagehood. Putting me into a religious boarding school was to reduce my self-importance and I was abused into religious abuse by the right of parental authority using religion as a punishment tool taking it into their hands to abuse my entire childhood into a state of disgrace and shamed.

Many of my childhood has consisted numerous death threats by my ex-maternal mother figure whenever I did not and was not able to please her with my attitude or behaviour, I was to behave more obedient, more respectful, more understanding and listening as a child, as a child, there was no space for me to voice my feelings, and my thoughts towards how I was being treated by all members of the ex-family. To them, I was a target to express all the negative feelings or thoughts they may have and I was to be blamed for all the wrongs in their life and used as a punching bag for all their problems. I was thrown things, I was belted and caned for not listening to their angry expressions, I was intimidated and threatened by loud noises in my surrounding like cabinet doors slamming loudly, kicking the door of my room, throwing bottles or objects from above me to hit my head as I watch tv as a teenager.

Carrying myself through secondary (high) school was hard because, I could not trust anybody to share my experience. Even when I went to the school counselor, he was not able to help me because he was not certified at that time and after I finished high school and went to visit the teachers, the counselor was talking about my privacy and share them with the religious teacher and some other teachers there. The religious teacher there was hinting and joking making fun of issues that I have only discussed with the counselor at the school.

When you have gone through intense traumatic experience at the hand of someone in your surrounding, there is a trigger that can create panic attacks or anxiety in your life. It may be hard for you to feel safe when you decide to try something new, taking risks is hard because the fear trigger is lodged in your subconscious mind to make you be constantly in a state of fear.

Fear programming from Traumatic experience such as Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, or Religious abuse is defining your personality as a growing individual if this happened during the time you were parented by the authority or guardian of your life.

Learning about narcissists, sociopaths or psychopaths helps you to define the character of the people around you and may enable you to protect yourself from the manipulation of your adult life in public surrounding.

If you were abuse as a child, sexually assaulted, religiously abused, the abuser could be a narcissists, sociopath or psychopath.

What is the difference between the three terms, narcissists are people who are highly manipulative, deceptive, selfish, arrogant and self-centered. Sociopath is all that and they do not care when people get hurt when they are pursuing their desires. Psychopath is all of that and feels excited when they get to inflict pain and they feel satisfied to punish or has his revenge. All of them does gaslighting, it means gossipping or having split personality to pretend to be very nice but having malicious vindictive motives.

What are symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

If you have freshly been abused, it is panic attacks, high anxiety, having to relive the past in the present moment by having flashbacks, remembering the past, having nightmares, trouble sleeping restfully, having physical reactions when the memory in triggered such as sweating palm, hard of breathing, strong pounding heart, uncontrollable arousal of emotions such as anger, fear, grief, feeling tense such as muscles cramp, clenching jaw, a fisting hand, a protective motion or even the physical feeling of stunned, numb, shock, inability to move, inability to shake it off.

When I say freshly been abused, it is within the 1st year of the abuse itself.

How does PTSD affect your Personal Behaviour and Character?

You will start to avoid places that reminds you of that particular event, you will no longer do what you use to love doing when you remember the event that took place, for example if you enjoy painting and the abuser breaks your canvas and throw your brush and paints on the ground. You are scared to pick it up and you are intimidated with physical abuse if you do pick it up. Or reading a book and your book is torn into pieces, it makes you scared to read books again. Or whatever you love doing and you show compassion towards it, at that time you will be attacked and the abuser will program fear between you and what you share love to. It constricts you from feeling good about yourself and choosing to do things that you love. The abuser stops you from making personal decision that makes you feel happy. They control your emotional independence to feel good.

Your behaviour will change towards being more lack of enthusiasm, you will feel more numb, lifeless, you don’t expect to have any good moments or memories arriving, you reject opportunities that may make you feel happy due to your abusive programming to not allow you to accept the love in your surrounding that comes from other points or channels from the abuser. You are being programmed to be immune to the opportunity of happiness and you are programmed to perceive fear in all directions of life hence your ability to have hopes and dreams to accomplish goals are hindered, and trampled, you have a hard time wanting to have a desire, because of the abuse that made you feel all your desires are unworthy, and not of value, and having desires makes you be targeted of an attack. So your desires are diminished because the abuse programmed you to fear wanting anything that is of good personal value to you. You will behave like you are imprisoned with a perception in life that makes you feel constrained, not being able to make decisions that make you feel good, because you are traumatised of the past event that programs you not to go for your desires, or else you will be abused, hit, assaulted or hurt. In order not to be hurt, you had to let go of your personal desires, interests, passion. This is torture to your soul. You have to realise this to wake up from the deep fear slumber you have deeply sucked into a quicksand of darkness.

What is the long term effect for PTSD if it is not treated?

Triggers, you will start to avoid being triggered. Isolations, you start to choose who you befriend and not able to open yourself up to the world. Bursts of anger and violence towards self-destruction or physical destructions. You will have a uncontrollable anger outbursts and you will be in a spiral of self-destructions with being suicidal, addictive to cigarettes or drugs, or becoming an alchoholic, even towards addiction to pornography to avoid reality. You will start to attract bad crowds that only like you for certain reasons, like status, wealth, if you are not wealthy, you will be attracted to be with broken people, drug addicts, other people who portray the same anger, violence, or become highly materialistic to showcase different part of your personality to cover your insecurities.  You have short attention span, because fear is in the corners of every part of your desires or self worth. You start letting go of personal self care, you will start to lose attention to your surrounding and inability to maintain cleanliness or upkeeping the surrounding’s environment. You lost attention to care for your personal hygiene or self appearances. You will pick up negative behaviours and get attracted to practicing sloth, lust, greed, grief, lies, envious, pride. You may also have the opposite effect, see in which way the trauma influenced you. You may be extremely humble towards humility that makes you feel safe around homeless poor people, you may be so generous that you give everything away, you may feel so supportive that you can only see the best in people, but not the best in yourself, you may be so emotionless that you don’t know who you are, what you want, how you feel, what you think, and you wait for other people to direct your thoughts, to direct your feelings, to direct your identity to be who you should be. You become a slave to your surrounding having no independent thoughts, no independent emotions, no personal identity, because the trauma has left you with no soul connection to your own identity or self, that is why in the old times during war, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was first called Shell Shock. It is due to the only thing that is left on you is your skin, there is nobody home in your soul, heart or mind. You become a human robot or a slave to your abuser, to heed each of the commands made by the abuser, your spouse, your parental figure, your siblings or family members, friends, peers, colleagues, etcs. If you were not abuse by people you may know and may have been sexually assaulted by a stranger, this could also happen to you, because you are left scared and your soul consciousness, personal identity left your skin human body to protect yourself against the pain and horrific events. This makes you disassociate yourself from the event and when confronted with similar situation, you will be triggered and diassociate to the point where you may blackout, faint, or go into a hysteric mode (crying, losing consciousness, violently fighting and being angry).

What can you do if you have PTSD?

You have to first acknowledge your self and the feelings you have been avoiding. Fear is removing you from feeling yourself and your truthful experience. Trigger is a memory relapse that makes you disassociate your feelings from reaching into you, in order not to be hurt, you push away the feeling by feeling anxiety, panic, diassociating the situation, fainting or blacking out, even isolating yourself from the place or people. It is hard to remember the past and to remember your memories that is painful, but this is a process that helps you to regain your mental awareness and clarity in your life. Think of it like each traumatic event in your life that is rejected, forgotten or pushed away and left a trigger in your mental consciousness, or emotional body, it takes a percentage of your soul identity or personal freedom away. Claiming your right to feel again, to not disintegrate your soul from the experience rather than feeling it fully and be aware of the experience as a detached memory helps you to stay more present in your body during the triggers and release the fear programming from controlling your life and identity and behaviour.

The main factor of being affected by PTSD is that there is a seed of fear limiting your perspective and actions to be who you are. This constrictions chains you to behave a specific way in order for the abuser to get what they want from you, respect, power, pride, total control, or taking advantage of  your sexual body parts for their lust. Depends on what type of abuser they are, they may feel more confident and fuel their ego when they get you to feel scared of them.

One of the ways that helps is to know that all that happened in the past is a fear programming, and manipulation to serve a purpose from a selfish individual who has no care for your personal rights, personal values, dignity and self respect. They aim to abuse you by forcing you into giving into their commands, breaking your boundaries, disrespecting your values, breaking your will power.

If you have endured PTSD and now wanting to learn how to build your life again, there is a way out. There is a way towards feeling better again. One fact you should remind yourself is that, the abuse changes how you perceive life and how you behave for their benefit and their gain, to make you lose all personal power, personal desires, personal identity and personal gains. You have to remind yourself that having been abused or assaulted in the past is because these individuals are weak people who have no integrity or morale to have behave in a respectable way. In no way you should feel bad, guilty or ashamed of what had happened towards you, it may have seem that they punish you and blame you for many things, but be aware of the common sense of the biggers perspective. Violence is a not an answer towards any situation. Everyone has freewill and ability to communicate. People who uses violence in order to torture, punish or educate are not civilised or compassionate. If you were abused religiously, then the religion is manipulated for the ego of the abuser feeling authority using religion as a punishing tool.

These are all my experiences and insights, I am not a professional certified counsellor, but I am a person with many experience, with many answers, with many solutions. I am gifted to see beyond the veil, I am able to understand situations beyond the surface, I am a Universal Healer, Life Coach and a Peace Visionary. This is my passion, to heal broken souls and thriving them into life again. I wish to help you grow as I have helped my ownself to grow free from the abuse, ptsd from the past.

If you are an adult that keeps meeting people who abuses you, I remind you to learn about narcissists and how to deal with them. I advise you to build new character and behaviour for yourself, so that you can defend yourself, and stand on your ground when you are being triggered, assaulted or intimidated by abusive, narcissists, sociopathic individuals in your surrounding. Learn your values, and know when you can walk away, you are worthy of a safe space at all times. You are worthy of being treated with respect, compassion and kindness. You don’t deserve any less than that, and you need to realise your dignity is in your hands, and you can feel good about who you are without being harmed by anything in life.

I send my love to you, I send angels that may protect you while you may heal from PTSD and that you find a way into becoming a wonderful human individual with a great soul and a sweet spirit inside your heart.

Sending you blessings and love,
Meredith Mynrose
Peace Visionary

18.8.2015

Thriving from Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Religious Abuse in Malaysia #IAMMEREDITH

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Hi dearly beloveds,

This is a new era, a new phase and a new stage in my life where I proclaimed my own identity beyond my wildest imaginable dreams. I had chosen to name myself a new first name which is Meredith. It had happened on the night that my ex-maternal mother called me to bind me into her will and control to break my spirit into heeding her every command, malice and demands.

A few weeks prior I had received a death threat over a text message by my ex family member who was an elder brother. It was over a cat pooing in the house. He owns a cat hotel and was known to be a cat whisperer. I must tell you a story leading to this big shift in my life.

In the very same week, it was the celebration of the new year in the Islamic calendar. My ex paternal father figure was at home, I felt the desire and the need to express to him about my childhood past, at the same time I was healing myself from post-traumatic-disorder that kept me attracting a lot of abusive people in my life, narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths, you name it. Fairly unknown to me that all this while, the fact that made me attract all this people who were abusive narcissists and sociopaths is because of the childhood conditioning I had been pressured under, being abused, tormented, gaslighted as a child made me prone to attracting the same situation I endured as a child into adulthood.

I held only integrity, personal love, respect while speaking to my ex family member, paternal figure. I had told him that at the age of 5 or 6 I had been molested by my ex family member, who is an elder brother. My ex-paternal figure father did not seem surprised. He was interested in the money that was given to me like it has been given to the rest of the siblings. He wanted to speak to me because of the money and I wanted to speak to him about my childhood and my suffering and the infliction of abuse they have caused my adulthood to be fucked-over.

I expressed that what I am speaking is important, when he tried to shift the attention to the money. I would say my understanding at the moment and awareness was that he is more interested in money than my emotional wellbeing. We were meeting under false pretenses of care. He wish to meet me to find out about my money and how I had used it. I met him because I wish to express what I had endured the past 2 years meeting a female psychopath recommended to befriend by my ex-maternal figure mother and what had happened afterwards that left me in that current state and condition.

I told him, if he wanted to know what I did with the money, my conditions is that there is witness in the surrounding. Islamic witness. I wanted him to realise what he had done onto me to make me afraid of men, to be afraid of defending my value and right of protecting myself and caring for my needs.

I asked him, has he ever touched me in only “halal” way, or “haram” way. Halal means permissible in Islamic Syariah Law, and Haram means forbidden in Islamic Law. So I asked him wether or not he touched me in illegal way as a child. He shifted the topic to the money. I said this was important. Then I said “Fine, if you want to know about the money, get witness present so I can speak the truth,” his reply? “why do you want to embarrass me.”

It was non of my intention to embarass him as my ex-paternal father. My intention is to clarify the air. We ended the topic there. I can sense that he knows of his wrongdoing hence he can express the shame in his behaviour. It alerted me that he remembers the past and his actions onto me as a toddler and a child.

As you now can observe, my ex-paternal father figure and my ex-family member, an older brother have both molested and sexually abuse me as a child.

Come to the story of the death threat from my ex-family member, an older brother, I thought that my ex-paternal father figure had told the older brother about the meeting and sharing hence I receive a death threat over something minutely small, which is about the cat poo.

The death threat was the final last straw, I was healing from PTSD as I had been attracting too much narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths in my 1 year period and been isolating myself for around 9 months. I was feeling pleasant and strong in life to motivate myself to do more positive actions to grow my business and my personal energy. Then comes the death threat which is highly unnecessary over a cat poo. It was hard to rise my spirit and then keep being attacked and pummeled down again by these individuals who were “family”. PTSD is such a heavy situation to heal, but it can be done, as I have done towards myself when I realise what it means, the symptoms and the triggers.

I had to walk away from the family house the same day bringing only what I can and left everything else because material is not important to me, my heart is important, not to be attacked or scrutinised by people whom you may call family.

I made a police report as soon as I receive the death threat and was told by the Inspector not to go home that day. I needed to pick up the kittens so that they are cared for. My ex-maternal figure mother texted me for me to feel remorsed of what I had done. She called me a week after to speak to me, and when she use the old name I was given as a child, I can feel all the darkest vibes surrounding the name. As if she was binding my soul into the name, the name that held on for dear life as a child, wishing suicidal since the age of 9 years old, calling for god Allah at the age of 16 when both parents were at it physically abusing and assaulting me in bed with a belt, the father belting and the mother screaming and yelling harder, hit her harder.

I was abused as a child, at less than 12 months old, my ex-maternal mother figure left to do Hajj in Mecca. I was abandoned emotionally as a child deprived of motherly loved. My childhood picture had me a lot of frowns and sour faces. I was teased and mocked by being sad. I was not allowed to be sad and get punished for showing a sad face.

I was grotesquely abused as a toddler by a sexual ex-paternal father figure and his friends. I remember one of his friend, I said I will never forget his face and when I was looking through the old photo album, the family friend picture was there. This uncle. We visited Phillipines at that time and that is where the picture was taken. But I know that I know and remember his face for a reason. For safety and for protection.

As a child after being abused and hit or verbally scolded, screamed at and attacked. I will bang my head against the wall to make myself forget. I can only share one reason that I know of. I bang my head because it had been done to me before, in order for me to forget. This happened to me as a child. My ex-family member eldest sister told me that my marks on my forehead is because the maid who push the trolley made me fall. I disbelief her because it didn’t seem true now. As I write this story, I as well am healing a deeper layer. I did not know how I pick up the habit to hit my head except that in my recent years of healing my soul, I remember hitting my head on the ground floor or hard wall whenever something immensely bad and horrible happened to me and I could not control my behaviour of self destruction.

I remember the moment when we finished in the parent’s master bedroom, he hold my hand and we walked downstairs. My ex-maternal mother figure was in the kitchen I know she was cooking. He walk me down together to the ground floor, I felt this strong urge to puke and I ask for his hand and I puked in his hand. I believe that he made me suck his penis in the parents bedroom as a 5 year old girl. Because the only time I ever had this trigger to puke again in my adulthood was when I smell a male genital who at that time was my ex-partner, it is also because I had a strong vision of remembering the past and what had happened to me then. I realised the two coincidences and complete the puzzle. I could not smell any sperm without puking until I healed my past.

Besides being molested and sexually abused by my ex-paternal father figure and ex-family member elder brother, throughout all my childhood and teenage years, I was consistently being intimidated, harassed and threatened by the 3rd child in the family which was another older brother. I was the youngest one in the family, and I was the punching bag for almost everybody.

I remember my ex-maternal mother hit me so hard with a wire hanger on my buttocks when I resist going to school. I was maybe 6 years old. She some times hit me with a cane, and the last time she herself physically hit me was when I was 15 years old or 16 years old when she found out I was using the knife to cut myself after she verbally abused me and hit a nerve in me for me to hurt myself to feel myself again.

The other brother who intimidated and harassed me all through my childhood, he physically punch me in the eye in 2010. I made a police report and the police did not do anything to resolve this. The police in Malaysia are useless and corrupted. Twice I made a police report, twice they held no compassion nor having any intelligence to recognise their responsibility to do what is right. They were not helpful nor were kind.

In 2010, when I was physically assaulted by this ex-family member older brother, when I finished making the report and having to go to two police stations. My ex-family was waiting at the house. My ex-maternal mother figure took the opportunity to say, every problem in this family is your fault. Everything is your fault, you are at fault. I want you to see that the recent case of being threatened to be killed and having my ex-maternal mother gaslighting me telling me to be remorseful of my action. This mother is blind, she is blind for every action that I do to defend myself. Nothing my ex-family member brothers do are ever faulty, they are always right. Despite having the most logical comprehension and common sense that her actions are untruthful and biased to side on the male siblings in the family.

Simply put, I was physically abused as a child, verbally and emotionally abused, sexually abused until age 9 when I realise the molestation of my ex-paternal father figure’s hand rubbing the chest area rather than the stomache area and taking advantage of my childhood innocence. Being sent away to boarding school at age 11 to become pious and religious and remember to be scared of male people all my life but attracting sexual assaults a lot of time growing up.

Nobody in the family had ever defended me, nobody had ever protected me, nobody was in their right mind. If the public knew my story, would they then share their similar experience, or would they be showing the dark side of humanity to victim-blaming and shaming my past experience. I am not ashamed of coming clean and coming out from the closet of being abused sexually by these people whom I was raised in the same family as. I thought coming back to Malaysia was good because they show they care, but it was a false care. When I was living on my own, I still could not trust any of them to ask for help, as I was going through PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and did not know what is wrong with me and what is stopping me from making money from my business and all my creativity and good vibes has faltered. I went through weeks without source of food and sometimes pray so hard to get client as I was isolated and felt scared to go out into public to speak, share or market my business. My self-esteem was attacked, my confidence is falling away from me.

Walking away from the ex-family was the only way to allow me to survive, heal and then thrive. I changed my name to Meredith with god’s blessings and its between me and God/The Universe. My religion is love and compassion. I respect all religion and the people who practices it, but I do not engage in any act of worship except to do actions that grows compassion, and kindness to all living beings around me.

I was born by mixed parental – Chinese and Malay. The ex-father figure is Chinese converted into Islam and the Mother is Malay who was raised as an adopted child under a Ranger, Shamanic Individual. Both these people have medicine and healing lineage. The Chinese father who converted into Islam has a father who was a Sensei in Kedah. The Mother who was raised by adopted parent was raised in a surrounding where healing and negative entities were involved.

As a child, my ex-maternal figure mother often has hysterias where she would get posessed and found crying and screaming. I remember a few times as a teenager I would have to recite the verse from The Quran , which was the Ayat Al-Kursi that helps to remove bad energies and for protection from the surrounding.

I believe that in some ways, the abuse that had happened to me is through the conditional programming of how both of the parents in my life were raised. It may have not been conscious to them, they might not be able to do anything about it as everything has become “nasi sudah menjadi bubur” ; what is done cannot be undone, there’s no use crying over spilt milk.

I am sharing this story because I believe we always have a choice in this present moment on choosing the highest road to love, and to compassion and unity. I believe that our choices now will reflect the future of the childrens in the future. I am sharing this as an experience and an example of a life story towards grace, glory and forgiveness.

Let my suffering help be a recognition to parents who may be doing the same to their own childrens. May the awareness begins with our generation and help us stop this cycle of destruction and abuse. Let us all love and forgive and remember to learn to take the pathway to love and harmony. Let’s stop the abuse, stop the ego-fanatical religious authority, and share compassion as humanity without borders of culture, religion, race or wealth divide us apart.

My vision now is to be a peace visionary, I am a universal healer bethrothed with many healing gifts, and abilities to expand harmony around those who seeks peace. My actions now is only to enhance love in one’s life and to create a ripple of peace around my surrounding. I wish to build a loving society that holds mutual respect for each other and those who are keen to develop their soul growth while living in this present earth.

All my life, my spirit was abused and molested, my young adulthood had been spent on healing myself from the trauma caused by the childhood conditioning. Now I made it my life mission to educate, share and enlighten people on how to lead a life of value, self love, dignity and joy. I hope you all who follows this blog, supports my dreams and ambitions are able to learn and reap a lot of fruit to your life’s development as much as I have from sharing my experience and healing journey with you all here.

This is my new name, Meredith Mynrose, means Great Ruler of Mynrose Dome, Mynrose Dome is a Place of Love, Unity and Harmony. This is my new website to proceed into my new energy and identity.

Thank you for reading my blog, and knowing me as another fellow humanitarian in this planet. Let us all grow and prosper together into love.

With blessings and love,
Meredith Mynrose

17.8.2015
Malaysia

p.s: Title : Abused Child speaks out, Mixed-Raced parenting with Islamic Influence in Malaysia