Sometimes when we show kindness to people, they think we are open for flirtation.
Sometimes when we give people acknowledgment and wish them a good day, they ask for our number.
Sometimes when we treat people equally, they try to ask for more and reveal all their life problems in 5 minutes
Sometimes when we reply to a stranger’s hello, they think we are accepting them to talk more and sit next to us.
People don’t necessarily respect our boundaries, and when we are rude, they call us arrogant and bitches. These men or woman who don’t understand social cues, they entertain their desire and delusion and intention that was half clapped and not met by your own self.
Sometimes our kindness is identified as a doorway for other people to enter and show who they are.
Sometimes we regret being kind, we close ourselves off from the world, because we thought that we were wrong to be a nice plain human being with no agenda, yet, we get bitten and dragged down by the stranger or acquaintances we make in life, for they take our kindness as a means to use us.
I was nice to a man, and he was a friend of a friend. My friendship has no ulterior motives or intention. It was plain, simple and obvious. We share our interest in crystal etc. But however, when I was curious, is why did he make an essential oil mixture and named it combining my name and his name. So I found out he has a crush on me. It wasn’t obvious then, because, to me, I didn’t have those feelings. My kindness to him was simple. It was not giving hints to this man that I was open for romantic interaction. What popped for me, was that he perceives that we were on a date, when we were just hanging out. I think that men or women who are insecure, they take kindness as a method of feeling special in someone else’s life and eyes. Perhaps random strangers or their friends or acquaintances don’t actually show them natural no strings attached type of kindness and maybe they grew up in a family environment where kindness is reserved only for romantic interaction. Like when someone needs something, they are charming, nice and kind.
So let it be said and heard that some parents raise their children to charm them and talk sweet and show extra kindness in order to manipulate, get, and achieve a goal or desire. So might I say and reveal that at times, a healthy human with no secret agenda who shows kindness to a man or woman raised in a toxic family environment, take our kindness as a gesture of romance, a gesture of personal interest and an investment. This shows the standards of the mental health of that individual or; emotional intelligence. Perhaps lower than our own, due to their inability to discern normal kindness with a romantic interest.
Here’s another story, I understand cashiers in convenience stores try their luck to hit on girls or woman. At times when you share something personal, they try to show more eagerness to chime in and continue a conversation. Sometimes you slip up and explain why you need 10 bottles of soda. Or why you are buying so much, maybe because you aren’t going to buy groceries at the grocer because you don’t have the time. Whichever the explanation is, you sometimes share personal information relating to your groceries. That small talk might be a sign that your kindness to share any information about yourself in an invitation for flirt. Their expectation change to want more from you. More than you want to give. You have a hunch that its not something you’re willing to give.
People will reveal their intention if they are honest, but some people will mistake your kindness for an intention they desire from you. You may not have the same intention. So your investment to smile, greet, open the door and help people is seen as a a flirtation, showoff or a charming trait. Some men do this without wanting the attention, some other men do this kindness in order to prove to their friends or dates or people watching them that they are indeed “kind”. Whatever you may do in life, people with unhealthy outlook in life will distort the meaning of your kindness base on their own beliefs. All you have to keep a watchful eye on is your beliefs.
Do you believe the kindness is warranted? Do you show and give kindness because it was simple and easy for you? Like keeping the lift door open for a pregnant stranger and her kids to enter the lift? No matter what act of kindness you do, you ultimately control the reason and meaning behind it, never lose that plot. Because mentally unhealthy or toxic people will try to control your kindness, cause you a mental conflict, arbitrate you to question your judgment and intention, try to aggressively change your intention into something you dont want to. Like when you are friendly with a stranger it doesnt mean you dont have personal space anymore. And if they take your kindness the wrong way, that is their fault. A mistake on their half that you could point out immediately rather than be quiet, silent, and going with a flow that you have power to change direction to speak up and refuse the advances from those people.
People with kindness trauma is exploited. They are trapped in staying kind without ability to judge, assume, and obviously state the facts of the current reality. This is the post effect of being trauma bonded to an abuser in their life who brainwashed or programmed them to go with the flow rather than respect themselves to refuse and avoid further interaction with exploitative and manipulative person. Perhaps they have been groomed to show appreciation to aggressive kindness. They are stuck in a freeze mode and numbness, as well as silent shock for the aggressive kindness or favor place upon them, and they cannot change the flow or direction of the danger or toxic people around them. I hope this article helps you break that kindness trauma. Helps you ground your ability to command self respect and know that the toxic people may push you and show anger to you until you cave in to their aggressive kindness. But if you have mercy to your soul, and recognise the disparity of oppression and disresoect to who you are. You can alert your mind to make a different choice, not to be abused or let your kindness be distorted for a toxic persons gain.
Sometimes our kindness is exploited and expected and we cannot run away from it. The people who have gotten used to receiving our kindness, commands and demands us to keep giving our time, attention, emotion, money, social circle, advise, until it makes us feel upset, and when we show that we are upset, we are guilted, when we show that we don’t want to be kind to them anymore, they try to create a drama, so they can keep continuing to extort our kindness.
What is kindness when its extorted? What is kindness when it is expected? What is kindness when its demanded?
When you are faced with a man or woman who expects you to show them kindness and refuse to oblige until they get what they want.
Isn’t it rape of kindness, a violation of someone’s kindness, an abuse to a kind person’s heart and soul?
When your kindness is raped, violated, intensely battered.
Where do you stand in your self-compassion?
Where do you stand in self-preservation?
Where do you stand in self-love?
Where do you stand in self-defense?
When your kindness is manipulated.
When your presence is used to combat someone’s loneliness.
When your time is intentionally taken up.
When someone wants you, more than you want them.
When someone has an ulterior motive to show you the kindness that is uninvited.
When someone aggressively shows kindness to you then re-asks a favor without going by you.
When someone makes a decision of how you would repay their kindness
Can’t you see that you are violated over and over again, because they take your kindness with a meaning of “exploiting me, abuse me, use me, hurt me, take advantage of me?”.
Intelligent people’s use of kindness is way opposite of the said above.
(Sociopaths) Weak and criminally stupid people’s kindness would be manipulative, coercive, hidden, and extremely sweet, aggressively kind, forcefully calculative.
As much as we are human, who have virtues and healthy values. We have to learn to become aware to when certain delusional mentally un-arbitrated healthy people, make a different meaning to our kindness, and tries to exploit our giving-ness as a gateway to step up in their life, climb the social ladder, and use our means and values to reach their hidden agenda and goals in their life.
Make sure your kindness is not translated in the way you don’t intend it to. But overall even if your kindness is translated into a way you don’t intend it to, you definitely can’t control how people perceive your kindness. But at the end of the social exchange, you can be in control of how people judge and take your kindness, and to not be sucked and manipulated into a man or woman’s delusion of taking your kindness to a level that you never anticipated or willingly wanted.
People who seem alright by face value does not necessarily mean they have alright mental health. A lot of toxic people look innocent, charming, pleasant, and attractive. Some people with a resting bitch face, rude demeanor, sharp edges, a social rebel at times they don’t have that eagerness to please people around them, but they the very least could have stronger integrity than other people because they know when to be kind, and when to show kindness. You can’t judge mental healthy by people’s images. Without strings attached.
Mentally unhealthy people expect kindness from the wrong sources, perhaps because they were raised in a toxic environment and they establish kindness to being rescued from their miserable life and day. Most people have been in either position in their life. It’s not something to be embarrassed by or shunned. Imperfect people are all around us. Good and kind people, as well as people who are not so sure about being good or kind.
Mental health is not a race or a competition, humans may have perfect body parts, working vision, hearing, and ability to speak and be mobile. But mental health is what defines the quality of that person’s life. Whether or not they can make it to the Age 30 without being prescribed drugs, or having the ability to combat certain addiction, or successfully putting a roof over their head.
Your Quality of Life has a great effect coming from your Mental Health. Kindness to yourself is important. Not just Kindness to others. When you have issues with receiving kindness thinking that it may be a form of flirtation, maybe its bordering manipulation, maybe its an invitation into a relationship that is unwanted, or maybe you are triggered with certain people looking at you, watching you, expecting to see more of you, and you fear to receive kindness from people or giving kindness to people.
You may have the “Kindness Trauma”.
Someone in your past may have abused your kindness, sometimes we show kindness to people with no strings attached, and sometimes we give kindness with strings attached. But what forsaken us is how we respond when the people who expects and demands us to give them more and more, and how the people who gave us kindness starts making rules for us.
Kindness is not controlling. Kindness is a desire to show compassion to people without a reward. Kindness is not a debt. It’s not to be recalled, commanded, or used as a payment or a favor.
People who are emotionally trapped, by the act of kindness, being obligated, guilted and forced to feel they are wrong and judged impaired, they are ultimately Gas-lighted.
I have had the unfortunate experience to go out with a woman who makes me feel so uncomfortable that I become disassociated and feel really empty in my soul. What I found out now and picked up from that is that the way I was feeling is what my high sensitivity and empathy picked up as her nature. Her controlling nature. She showed manipulative and aggressive kindness, and she used her friend to get me onboard to go to a social networking event. Little did I know, she’s done the same a few times with other friends, but she rarely reaches out to me authentically. Thinking I will reject her. Possibly I would have. But maybe not. We wouldn’t know now, would we? But the fact that she had to use other people to show kindness to me, and led me to her, was alarmingly suspicious. After a few times of being around her, I felt not right, used, and confused. My organic kindness of entertaining her was not the same. Every time I came back from being around her, I felt lethargic, exhausted, and out of breath and stressed. Felt like she was using my presence, to study me, judge me, articulate about my style, my demeanor, my expressions, I felt like I was being hawked at.
There are many ways human kindness can be distorted. It takes time to really know the true intention behind someone’s kindness. But when you know the truth, don’t be afraid or upset, because the people who manipulate your kindness to get somewhere in life, are not much better than you. You can break a promise, you can call back on your word, you can take back what belongs to you, you can cancel any agreement or contract when the terms exchanged was not fully agreed or revealed to you that makes you question what did you actually agree to.
What you agree to when you show and share and give kindness to people can change, when the truth is revealed that those people who exploit, take advantage, and use your kindness against you, are endangering you so that they can gain, take, advance, grow, and get to their goal by abusing your genuine self.
Don’t have to feel bad for being seen as rude, being seen as a bitch, of showing your shadow side when you don’t agree to things that are not worthy to you in your life. If you bought a house and filled it with love and care, and a neighbor bought a house opposite yours, but they are a hoarder. They try to trick you to exchange house keys because they manipulated your kindness. Think of this as a kindergarten playground. You have a new toy and you are tricked to give up your new toy, for an imaginary toy or an ugly broken one cause it is “special”. People who try to sell their kindness to you by lying, those people are sociopaths, narcissists, and psychopaths.
Get untrapped from the emotional feelings of stay kind, be nice. Learn that rudeness is necessary, roughness is justified, and abrasiveness, non-tolerance is your virtue defending your values in your life.
Entertain your own emotions as the justified base on your logic and reasons and feelings. Many people lean and get lost in a co-dependent relationship and toxic relationship because they make space for the abuser’s reasons, perceptions, and obligated kindness, and impaired judgment rather than their own reasons, perception, violated emotions and justified judgment.
At times the world may take your kindness for granted, abuse it, and walk all over it. It’s not a sin or wrong to refuse to be kind to circumstances and situations where you have experienced manipulation, distorted reality, emotional abuse, lethargy, in fact, this is where self-love, self-compassion, self-preservation needs to be addressed and outed. To question your worth in the midst of the violation, the abuse, the kindness that has lost its plot. At times in your life, you may meet friends or people who obligate, expect, force you to give them something you don’t’ want to give them. They may use many ways to twist and bend your arm to get what they want. This is the time where you can lean on your hunch, gut instincts and feelings and go the opposite way, to remember mercy for your soul, rather than plastic mercy for their abusive childish immature temper tantrum in order to guilt you to stay kind to them.
Recognize the red flags when your kindness is taken to a whole different meaning when your kindness is distorted into obligation, when your kindness is transformed into being given unwanted romantic attention and flirtation, when your kindness is twisted and guilted, when your kindness is exploited and defined as volunteer and self-sacrifice.
Remember compassion and mercy to yourself. To love yourself enough to know when your kindness is stepped on and walked all over. That your heart has a healthy defense to recognize when your kindness is no longer willing but oppressed and expected. As if being kind is a responsibility that you need to serve people out of their wishes and not yours. As I mentioned above, “Kindness is not controlled. Kindness is a desire to show compassion to people without a reward. Kindness is not a debt. It’s not to be recalled, commanded, or used as a payment or a favor.”
When toxic people expect you to be kind to them, and if you cannot, they guilt you, that is coercion and manipulation. When these people try to make you feel bad, wrong, judge you for not helping them, and try to punish you for rejecting their advances. They are being cruel and unkind, the opposite of your beautiful kindness. They don’t have what it takes to have personal empathy, and they don’t have what it takes to have no strings attached type of kindness. They don’t have what it takes because they are co-dependent, and not independent. They are emotionally bankrupt and incapable of having empathy towards the other person, to know where their limits end.
Healthy people can recognize when someone is in pain. Healthy people can recognize when they are asking too much. Healthy people don’t force other people for kindness. Healthy people don’t guilt people if they say no. Healthy people don’t hold a grudge to other people when they don’t receive what they want.
When your kindness is violated and you are disrespected. This behavior doesn’t reveal your self-worth, it reveals the abuser’s insecurity more than you. The action of people reveals their feelings.
“Your perception of me is a revelation of you, My reaction to you is an awareness of me.”
When we show kindness and stay human, of course, there may be toxic people waiting to abuse it and lose our trust. Let it be. Let them. How we react to them reveals our own character. Even if they disrespect us, we can respect ourselves long after they leave the picture. They are only showing us how they really disrespect themselves when they violate our sense of self respect. People do what they do, because of who they are.
Trust your emotional hunches. From this day onwards, and looking back at the past days, if something is off and you can feel it, don’t doubt it, accept it and know that there’s no reason you will naturally think something is wrong when it isn’t wrong. Don’t doubt your hunches. Your hunches are calling you to tell you, preserve your virtue, preserve your value, preserve your dignity and self-love. Preserve your self mercy so you do not invite abuse and danger.
“I don’t feel guilty about withdrawing my kindness from people who violated my trust and empathy.”
No more guilt influencing you to doubt yourself and intuition when the truth is that you notice something is off, wrong, and not harmonious. And accept your power to discern unharmonious situations, to allow you to be active in containing your inner harmony, rather than inner conflict. Accept your hunch to discern the external conflict with the way people misinterpret your kindness as an invitation to unhealthy resolution.
When you know you are a good human, who has done his or her best. You don’t have to store guilt that you could not please certain people who expect too much from you or people who want something from you that you cannot give. The guilt will be transformed into self mercy, self-compassion, self-love, and self-preservation. To preserve your virtue, your value, your virility (boundaries), your masculinity, your dignity, and your self-love and your self-respect.
I think toxic guilt damages healthy peoples self-esteem, dignity, and self-respect, because they don’t know that there’s nothing for them to do, to make toxic people happy. Especially manipulative toxic people who attach a negative meaning to kind people’s intentions and actions. They control kind people’s heart to the point they hurt them.
I think to really tie this article together, kindness due to guilt is toxic, is never out of joyful love, but toxic love. Tapping into your individual feeling of mercy, self-care, self-love, self-respect, and self mercy allows you to recognize when you are being self-sacrificial amongst selfish people who are ignorant to your pain, suffering, and living off your energy, spirit, empathy, life force.
Before someone abuse your kindness, ask yourself to have mercy for your own self. Would you abuse yourself this way, in order to please this person’s desires?
Would you allow yourself to stand or stay in discomfort, to let the other person be more comfortable than you?
Would you sacrifice yourself, to please that person to the point they are lost in euphoria in your presence, ignoring your suffering while they are in bliss?
Open your eyes to self mercy and you will realize where you need to command respect, to respect your own self when the people around you don’t respect you, to walk away and leave environments that are disrespectful and manipulative, and to end a toxic relationship with people who are abusive to you. Compassion to yourself, mercy to your heart that is in your power, that you can direct a decision to take charge when abuse wants to happen. And you open your eyes to the distorted kindness favored upon you. AND DENY THAT FAVOR.
Allow yourself to withdraw your kindness and show apathy, coldness, and detachment from this fellow abusive human. You don’t have to be more humane to them in order to get them to understand your kindness. Reflect their rudeness if you will, or walk away without a word if you can. Be rude and intolerant as this is a virtue at this moment where you are faced with distorted and in-genuine kindness. Withdraw mercy from them, and give yourself the mercy they expect from you. Genuinely pity them for their astounding life’s weakness. Thats how you reverse their negative projection towards you to make you their emotional slave. Because you understand their intention and its a real pity they behave in toxic ways. Its their loss. Its Your gain. They lose a wonderful opportunity to have you in their life.
Whereas your gain is to go back to loving yourself deeper than ever before and enjoy your self-loving, self-respecting and ability to show personal kindness to yourself.
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All the best,
Love and light
Meredith Mynrose 2019 (c) I appreciate that my original written content be respected and not duplicated or shared without my permission in any social media websites or platforms. If you are inspired by my content, please give due credit. Its good karma. Inspired doesn’t mean using my content and paraphrasing. That’s still a copyright issue.