One of the basic abusive trauma a child endures during their early childhood is the Art of Not Asking. Children’s are treated in a manner that makes them feel unworthy or not valuable when their request for attention, needs, desires are retorted with a strong rejection, shame, blaming for irresponsibility, guilt-riding quests.
Childrens that has been abused, are taught to keep their needs last, and that their request for attention, help, assistance is harshly denied, ignored or aggressively scolded. Parents or family member’s who are impatient, expresses their adult anger towards the child, forcing the child to be independent at a young age. The abusee begins to live in silent, adapting to all circumstances, constantly moving out of the way hence not to be a nuisance, a problem or bring trouble to the family members or parents. They learn to be practically invisible in order to not be the center of attack, emotional explosions, rejection, shame, guilt-tripping, blaming games, and many other thing that they grow up around that makes them feel each movement, motion, thought, intention, emotion that create, begins to be hazardous. Every step, every cause, everywhere they go, they begin to feel like they are under attack. The family which is hostile, dictates, rules, controls each of their motion, emotion, action, thoughts, intentions, on the surface and under the surface. The family member’s will make assumptions from lies to disempower the children with non-truths so the children have no mind of their own, no independent feelings or individuality. All decisions and choices the child makes, is scrutinised, attacked and put down. They are not good in anything. Nothing they do is ever good enough. Even if they did a great job at something, they will be mocked, made fun of and humiliated.
It is hard to be an abused child in a hostile environment where everything the child does, gets very dampened, their soul’s slowly squeezed out of air so that it fuels the laughter of hatred by their family member, sibling or parents. Sadly, the abused child lives in a family filled with hostility, no empathy, non-compassionate values, fueled with hatred, competition, ego and stepping over each other for power battle.
It takes a lot to understand a grown adult that needs to suck the life out of an innocent child has a lot of retardancy in themselves in order to abuse a child. It takes a lot of idiocracy, insecurity, immaturity and emotional retardedness to understand the whole dynamic family tree that surrounds an abused child.
A child that has been abused under the tutelage, parenting of an idiotic parental figure filled with hate, judgment, fear, intolerance and insecurity has been set to become a victim for the rest of their life until they wake up and fight back for their basic human rights.
It is easy for an abused child to have a low set of self-esteem, signs of depression, loss of ability to speech, no eye contacts, small voice, suicidal thoughts and even constant thought of fleeing or running away.
The parent’s that come together to produce a child, and then abused it in hostility, creating a dangerous environment with perhaps drug, pedophiles, ignorance and physical abuse to psychological abuse. The parents will carry the same history of similar type of parenting. Each individual parent that acknowledges hostility or abuse as normal has experienced the same similar situation as a child themselves. Only this generation, children’s are able to open their eyes and speak up, they can wake up to realise that they are not choosing violence over love and compassion to the family members. But they will also not keep silent to allow the abuse to continue.
Having been in a hostile situation, an abusee will have a hard time adapting and staying invisible, they also may wish they were never been born and could had even heard the same death threats repeated over and over by their parent and family members. Once a child has been listening to death threat’s over and over repeatedly all their life, they may just take the plunge and kill themselves by suicide, knowing that the verbal abuse had led them to take action to end their life from the hostility the parents, family member of sibling may have imposed onto them, without mercy, compassion or empathy. Based on their lack of judgement, emotional intelligence and shallow depth of understanding human love.
Now as a grown adult, you may have chanced over this blogpost trying to understand more about your past and the problem you may endure now. Trouble speaking up, trouble asking for your value and worth, and the trouble that besets you from happiest achievements.
You may be scared to ask for a raise, to ask for a new opportunity, to ask for assistance, help or support from your surrounding. You may still be carrying the weight of the world around you feeling responsible for all the emotional surrounding, the feelings of other people, feeling if you don’t service them, you are to be blamed for every fault that the people around you endure.
First things first, nobody is responsible for anybody else. If you are a child abusee, you had been duped, lied to and taken advantage of. People who are emotionally responsible, mature and intelligent do not treat other people with hostility. The rude behaviour, reflects on their personal values and belief. It defines who they are, so never take anything from other people personally. How people react to you does not define who you are. It reflects on their personal character, personal behaviour, personal understanding and personal ignorance.
Your hostile family members are not wise enough to acknowledge their behaviour or being self-aware that they lack qualities matching to empathy, intelligence, patience and understanding.
As in previous posts I have mentioned, as a child abusee, you grow up having problems in adult life, having trouble earning your worth, demanding your true value, asking for opportunities or going for your desires. Having doubt, fear, inconsistent motivation to pursue your dreams. All of this stemmed from your unsupportive childhood. In your childhood you have been taught, educated, programmed and brainwash to act, behave, think, feel a certain way that benefits your surrounding rather than yourself. You were forced to remove your personal interests and personal power in order to serve the people in your surrounding. You grow up and nothing may have changed from the abused family experienced, to the abused relationship, to the abused circle of friends, to the abused circle of network and career. The cycle repeats itself until you change your lanes.
Changing the lanes of your life means to change who you are, how you behave, how you choose to respond, where you stand your ground, how you refuse firmly to deny what no longer helps you to grow and be in your road to joy and happiness.
Learning to ask without being scolded, learning to stand your ground when you know you have the right to ask without being treated like a child or a nuisance. Not taking other people’s insecurity of you having courage to ask for your value. Having bravery to demand your worth. These are all character attributes you must learn to develop as an interpersonal skill set in life.
If people want something from you of value, you have to ask yourself how do I grow from this exchange or service. Am I in service to self, or am I in service to others and at the same time detrimenting to my personal soul health. Many narcissists will employ dupe manipulation to make you give something of your value, to make you help them, work for them, give them your time, attention, skill, expertise. Ask yourself, why must I sacrifice and supposedly “help” this people when I do not feel joy, I do not feel appreciated, I do not feel valued, I do not feel respected or even I do not feel great about it.
Never extend your value out of yourself in order to be of service to others. You cannot give something that makes you feel lack afterwards. You can only give something that makes you grow. Learn to differentiate and separate giving from manipulation, or giving from sincerity. Most of the time, the child abusee gives help, shows care, feels responsible to fill a role of pulling all the weight because they are manipulated to give their power away, and within time, they begin to do it without much word said.
Learning to stop giving your power away helps you to begin knowing your value. Understanding your capability by making observation of how other people in their life lives, how other people is being treated in the same exact position as you do, and seeing a healthy response of communication and interaction assists oneseld to build a healthy interpersonal skills in the character and behaviour department.
To learn to ask, you will have to keep your personal power in tact. To remember your principals and values. To acknowledge your belief that you are good enough, deserving enough, and fully enough to ask something from someone, or some people. Please make a good judgment of your life experience before asking to be the head of the company when you only know how to do sales. Its not a long shot but you do have to prove that you are that good to demand the be head of the company where you may be working at.
Remember that as a child, whenever you want to ask for assistance, support, help or opportunity, you have trauma triggers of being harassed, intimidated, guilt-tripped, bullied, humiliated, shamed, blamed and many other rest of negative reactions. You have to realise that your surrounding was not a conducive environment that has tolerance or intelligence. Your environment is hostile and filled with fear and anger. It is not the same as what may be as in presence now. And if it does, you have to learn to build your inter-personal skills to start nurturing your own soul and inner child. So that you can begin to take care of yourself and learn to defend your values, stand firm on your principals and speak your truth.
When you are being reprimanded, guilted, blamed, shamed for asking something you desire, first of all do not take it personally. You have to detach your observation and reflect all what has been said back to the person rejecting you. Find out what is their intention of reprimanding your ability to ask. You could ask the boss for a raise, you could ask a family member for assistance, you could ask a friend to help you with moving house or driving you somewhere, every little one of this situation that has a negative reaction holds strong identity showcasing the rejector rather than the person asking. Many of this situation involves one person who is hostile, angry, insecure and fearful. It is a power battle when this happens.
You as an adult growing up, wanting to learn and understand how to build positive living and healthy personality and positive character in life; you have ability to step up into the maturity podium and be more aware then the ignorant rejecting individuals who reprimands you asking for assistance, help, support, or a desire. Nobody has the ultimate power to give you what you want. There will be many more individuals who are able to provide you an opportunity that you desire. Wether it be a simple help, or a grand opportunity. So try and look it in a way that benefits you in the long term. One rejection from an insecure, violent, rude, abrasive and obscene individual holds no power over the rest of the human population in the world. The people who rejected you in the past or incoming, cannot hold your power down to be who you are, They do not have the power to define your capability, no matter if they are an expert, or certified, or even holy. Everyone has a freewill to create a life they desire based on their consciousness, clarity, personal power and freewill. You can create your life and keep moving on to the people who can support you, help you, assists you and give you the opportunity you desire. Do not take anything personally as in the previous time in your childhood. The traumatic moments have to be healed so you no longer feel triggered in fear when you desire to ask the world for something. To have hope to deserve love, to deserve goodness and to deserve what life has best to offer.
Practice asking without being reprimanded, if you receive a rejection, remember your principals, values, beliefs and proof that you deserve and earn the right to ask. Ask from faith, Ask from love, Ask from passion, Ask from joy, Ask from happiness, Ask from ability that you know you have every right to deserve everything you require from the Universe. Don’t take any rejections personally, it is only the Universe informing you, this person was not the right path for you to be with. Perhaps the Universe was saving your ass when the person refuse and rejects you. Take that as a silver lining and blessing in disguise that better even much better assistance, help, support, grandest opportunity is on its way!
Take care beloved readers, and if you wish for a personal coaching session, email us for a booking appointment.
Universal Healer, Life Coach & Peace Visionary