Hi dearly beloveds,
This is a new era, a new phase and a new stage in my life where I proclaimed my own identity beyond my wildest imaginable dreams. I had chosen to name myself a new first name which is Meredith. It had happened on the night that my ex-maternal mother called me to bind me into her will and control to break my spirit into heeding her every command, malice and demands.
A few weeks prior I had received a death threat over a text message by my ex family member who was an elder brother. It was over a cat pooing in the house. He owns a cat hotel and was known to be a cat whisperer. I must tell you a story leading to this big shift in my life.
In the very same week, it was the celebration of the new year in the Islamic calendar. My ex paternal father figure was at home, I felt the desire and the need to express to him about my childhood past, at the same time I was healing myself from post-traumatic-disorder that kept me attracting a lot of abusive people in my life, narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths, you name it. Fairly unknown to me that all this while, the fact that made me attract all this people who were abusive narcissists and sociopaths is because of the childhood conditioning I had been pressured under, being abused, tormented, gaslighted as a child made me prone to attracting the same situation I endured as a child into adulthood.
I held only integrity, personal love, respect while speaking to my ex family member, paternal figure. I had told him that at the age of 5 or 6 I had been molested by my ex family member, who is an elder brother. My ex-paternal figure father did not seem surprised. He was interested in the money that was given to me like it has been given to the rest of the siblings. He wanted to speak to me because of the money and I wanted to speak to him about my childhood and my suffering and the infliction of abuse they have caused my adulthood to be fucked-over.
I expressed that what I am speaking is important, when he tried to shift the attention to the money. I would say my understanding at the moment and awareness was that he is more interested in money than my emotional wellbeing. We were meeting under false pretenses of care. He wish to meet me to find out about my money and how I had used it. I met him because I wish to express what I had endured the past 2 years meeting a female psychopath recommended to befriend by my ex-maternal figure mother and what had happened afterwards that left me in that current state and condition.
I told him, if he wanted to know what I did with the money, my conditions is that there is witness in the surrounding. Islamic witness. I wanted him to realise what he had done onto me to make me afraid of men, to be afraid of defending my value and right of protecting myself and caring for my needs.
I asked him, has he ever touched me in only “halal” way, or “haram” way. Halal means permissible in Islamic Syariah Law, and Haram means forbidden in Islamic Law. So I asked him wether or not he touched me in illegal way as a child. He shifted the topic to the money. I said this was important. Then I said “Fine, if you want to know about the money, get witness present so I can speak the truth,” his reply? “why do you want to embarrass me.”
It was non of my intention to embarass him as my ex-paternal father. My intention is to clarify the air. We ended the topic there. I can sense that he knows of his wrongdoing hence he can express the shame in his behaviour. It alerted me that he remembers the past and his actions onto me as a toddler and a child.
As you now can observe, my ex-paternal father figure and my ex-family member, an older brother have both molested and sexually abuse me as a child.
Come to the story of the death threat from my ex-family member, an older brother, I thought that my ex-paternal father figure had told the older brother about the meeting and sharing hence I receive a death threat over something minutely small, which is about the cat poo.
The death threat was the final last straw, I was healing from PTSD as I had been attracting too much narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths in my 1 year period and been isolating myself for around 9 months. I was feeling pleasant and strong in life to motivate myself to do more positive actions to grow my business and my personal energy. Then comes the death threat which is highly unnecessary over a cat poo. It was hard to rise my spirit and then keep being attacked and pummeled down again by these individuals who were “family”. PTSD is such a heavy situation to heal, but it can be done, as I have done towards myself when I realise what it means, the symptoms and the triggers.
I had to walk away from the family house the same day bringing only what I can and left everything else because material is not important to me, my heart is important, not to be attacked or scrutinised by people whom you may call family.
I made a police report as soon as I receive the death threat and was told by the Inspector not to go home that day. I needed to pick up the kittens so that they are cared for. My ex-maternal figure mother texted me for me to feel remorsed of what I had done. She called me a week after to speak to me, and when she use the old name I was given as a child, I can feel all the darkest vibes surrounding the name. As if she was binding my soul into the name, the name that held on for dear life as a child, wishing suicidal since the age of 9 years old, calling for god Allah at the age of 16 when both parents were at it physically abusing and assaulting me in bed with a belt, the father belting and the mother screaming and yelling harder, hit her harder.
I was abused as a child, at less than 12 months old, my ex-maternal mother figure left to do Hajj in Mecca. I was abandoned emotionally as a child deprived of motherly loved. My childhood picture had me a lot of frowns and sour faces. I was teased and mocked by being sad. I was not allowed to be sad and get punished for showing a sad face.
I was grotesquely abused as a toddler by a sexual ex-paternal father figure and his friends. I remember one of his friend, I said I will never forget his face and when I was looking through the old photo album, the family friend picture was there. This uncle. We visited Phillipines at that time and that is where the picture was taken. But I know that I know and remember his face for a reason. For safety and for protection.
As a child after being abused and hit or verbally scolded, screamed at and attacked. I will bang my head against the wall to make myself forget. I can only share one reason that I know of. I bang my head because it had been done to me before, in order for me to forget. This happened to me as a child. My ex-family member eldest sister told me that my marks on my forehead is because the maid who push the trolley made me fall. I disbelief her because it didn’t seem true now. As I write this story, I as well am healing a deeper layer. I did not know how I pick up the habit to hit my head except that in my recent years of healing my soul, I remember hitting my head on the ground floor or hard wall whenever something immensely bad and horrible happened to me and I could not control my behaviour of self destruction.
I remember the moment when we finished in the parent’s master bedroom, he hold my hand and we walked downstairs. My ex-maternal mother figure was in the kitchen I know she was cooking. He walk me down together to the ground floor, I felt this strong urge to puke and I ask for his hand and I puked in his hand. I believe that he made me suck his penis in the parents bedroom as a 5 year old girl. Because the only time I ever had this trigger to puke again in my adulthood was when I smell a male genital who at that time was my ex-partner, it is also because I had a strong vision of remembering the past and what had happened to me then. I realised the two coincidences and complete the puzzle. I could not smell any sperm without puking until I healed my past.
Besides being molested and sexually abused by my ex-paternal father figure and ex-family member elder brother, throughout all my childhood and teenage years, I was consistently being intimidated, harassed and threatened by the 3rd child in the family which was another older brother. I was the youngest one in the family, and I was the punching bag for almost everybody.
I remember my ex-maternal mother hit me so hard with a wire hanger on my buttocks when I resist going to school. I was maybe 6 years old. She some times hit me with a cane, and the last time she herself physically hit me was when I was 15 years old or 16 years old when she found out I was using the knife to cut myself after she verbally abused me and hit a nerve in me for me to hurt myself to feel myself again.
The other brother who intimidated and harassed me all through my childhood, he physically punch me in the eye in 2010. I made a police report and the police did not do anything to resolve this. The police in Malaysia are useless and corrupted. Twice I made a police report, twice they held no compassion nor having any intelligence to recognise their responsibility to do what is right. They were not helpful nor were kind.
In 2010, when I was physically assaulted by this ex-family member older brother, when I finished making the report and having to go to two police stations. My ex-family was waiting at the house. My ex-maternal mother figure took the opportunity to say, every problem in this family is your fault. Everything is your fault, you are at fault. I want you to see that the recent case of being threatened to be killed and having my ex-maternal mother gaslighting me telling me to be remorseful of my action. This mother is blind, she is blind for every action that I do to defend myself. Nothing my ex-family member brothers do are ever faulty, they are always right. Despite having the most logical comprehension and common sense that her actions are untruthful and biased to side on the male siblings in the family.
Simply put, I was physically abused as a child, verbally and emotionally abused, sexually abused until age 9 when I realise the molestation of my ex-paternal father figure’s hand rubbing the chest area rather than the stomache area and taking advantage of my childhood innocence. Being sent away to boarding school at age 11 to become pious and religious and remember to be scared of male people all my life but attracting sexual assaults a lot of time growing up.
Nobody in the family had ever defended me, nobody had ever protected me, nobody was in their right mind. If the public knew my story, would they then share their similar experience, or would they be showing the dark side of humanity to victim-blaming and shaming my past experience. I am not ashamed of coming clean and coming out from the closet of being abused sexually by these people whom I was raised in the same family as. I thought coming back to Malaysia was good because they show they care, but it was a false care. When I was living on my own, I still could not trust any of them to ask for help, as I was going through PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and did not know what is wrong with me and what is stopping me from making money from my business and all my creativity and good vibes has faltered. I went through weeks without source of food and sometimes pray so hard to get client as I was isolated and felt scared to go out into public to speak, share or market my business. My self-esteem was attacked, my confidence is falling away from me.
Walking away from the ex-family was the only way to allow me to survive, heal and then thrive. I changed my name to Meredith with god’s blessings and its between me and God/The Universe. My religion is love and compassion. I respect all religion and the people who practices it, but I do not engage in any act of worship except to do actions that grows compassion, and kindness to all living beings around me.
I was born by mixed parental – Chinese and Malay. The ex-father figure is Chinese converted into Islam and the Mother is Malay who was raised as an adopted child under a Ranger, Shamanic Individual. Both these people have medicine and healing lineage. The Chinese father who converted into Islam has a father who was a Sensei in Kedah. The Mother who was raised by adopted parent was raised in a surrounding where healing and negative entities were involved.
As a child, my ex-maternal figure mother often has hysterias where she would get posessed and found crying and screaming. I remember a few times as a teenager I would have to recite the verse from The Quran , which was the Ayat Al-Kursi that helps to remove bad energies and for protection from the surrounding.
I believe that in some ways, the abuse that had happened to me is through the conditional programming of how both of the parents in my life were raised. It may have not been conscious to them, they might not be able to do anything about it as everything has become “nasi sudah menjadi bubur” ; what is done cannot be undone, there’s no use crying over spilt milk.
I am sharing this story because I believe we always have a choice in this present moment on choosing the highest road to love, and to compassion and unity. I believe that our choices now will reflect the future of the childrens in the future. I am sharing this as an experience and an example of a life story towards grace, glory and forgiveness.
Let my suffering help be a recognition to parents who may be doing the same to their own childrens. May the awareness begins with our generation and help us stop this cycle of destruction and abuse. Let us all love and forgive and remember to learn to take the pathway to love and harmony. Let’s stop the abuse, stop the ego-fanatical religious authority, and share compassion as humanity without borders of culture, religion, race or wealth divide us apart.
My vision now is to be a peace visionary, I am a universal healer bethrothed with many healing gifts, and abilities to expand harmony around those who seeks peace. My actions now is only to enhance love in one’s life and to create a ripple of peace around my surrounding. I wish to build a loving society that holds mutual respect for each other and those who are keen to develop their soul growth while living in this present earth.
All my life, my spirit was abused and molested, my young adulthood had been spent on healing myself from the trauma caused by the childhood conditioning. Now I made it my life mission to educate, share and enlighten people on how to lead a life of value, self love, dignity and joy. I hope you all who follows this blog, supports my dreams and ambitions are able to learn and reap a lot of fruit to your life’s development as much as I have from sharing my experience and healing journey with you all here.
This is my new name, Meredith Mynrose, means Great Ruler of Mynrose Dome, Mynrose Dome is a Place of Love, Unity and Harmony. This is my new website to proceed into my new energy and identity.
Thank you for reading my blog, and knowing me as another fellow humanitarian in this planet. Let us all grow and prosper together into love.
With blessings and love,
p.s: Title : Abused Child speaks out, Mixed-Raced parenting with Islamic Influence in Malaysia